Dear Heavenly Father,
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. My entire life there is no one that I dislike, am angry with or dare say hate enough to wish this on. When I am not dragging myself out of the bed from the exhaustion of depression I am fighting that electrified feeling of the adrenaline surging through my entire body: every cell! My chest hurts, is there an elephant sitting on me? My heart hurts. No, not like that, it actually aches. Internally I am a wreck; the emotional carnage is devastating, a real bloodbath.
Oh the fear and uncertainty. What about my true love, what about my love for her, what about our daughters, our future? I am scared Father. The pain compounds the paranoia. My instinct tells me to analyze it, break it down into a bento box and fix it. Learn from it, repair it, get away from it, and never cross its path again. But I can’t. It makes no sense, it isn’t logical or analytical – it’s emotional and it is uncontrollable. I am powerless and it is in that revelation that I turn to you Father. You are in control. Teach me to seek you, to find you and embrace you. Embrace me – hug me, love me. Take this cup from me and if it is not to be and it is the cup I am to bear, send the Holy Spirit to comfort me; to counsel me. I submit. It’s your will, your way and your timing.
And yet Father the pain has made me better. While praying for a relational miracle I realize that the miracle was in me; in my spiritual transformation. You have taught me something. I have learned to become a better husband; my capacity to love has grown exponentially. A better father to my daughters; I have learned to engage and invest in their future. A better friend; I have learned to listen without judgement. A better follower of you; learning to improve my daily walk and remove the hypocrisy of living as a ‘Sunday Christian’ has been soul saving. I am far from perfect – I refer to myself as the worst of the worst – but that is what gives me the ability to connect and not condemn. Your strength is in my weakness.
Thank you Father for showing up in what I thought was the worst of situations. Thank you for embracing me, for creating something beautiful out of something that I saw as devastating. I realize now that as long as I focus on what went wrong I am unable to see what you made right. This changes everything for me. Just when I thought nothing good could come from this the scales on my eyes have been removed and I see that you were doing good all along.
Is this my story to tell, Father? To show what hope and joy, peace and faith look like in the midst of worldly insurmountable odds. Relationally what will it do to others to witness this? Will it strengthen their faith to see you, God, on display? Will my pursuit of the path of righteousness be for your name’s sake?
Other’s stories are no doubt more painful than mine; full of betrayal and fragmentation. But I am not here for comparison, I am here to lock arms with them and find you, Father, on display in their trials; to tell them don’t give up, that they can do it. Never quit.
I never would have asked for marital separation. Again, I would not wish it on anyone. Even with the potential of breaking my heart, sending me into an emotional whirlpool, making me stay up at night worrying, and bringing me to my knees in a pool of tears streaming down my face, and it has, I now see it as a gift from above with a purpose and a promise. Thank you Heavenly Father for separation.
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Thank you and God bless you on your journey.
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