Monthly Archives: November 2015

If Only She Could Hear Me (the list)

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL MY WIFE

(IF ONLY I HADN’T HURT HER SO BAD THAT SHE CAN’T HEAR ME ANYMORE.)

  1. You are not crazy. All those times I twisted your words, engaged you in arguments that you couldn’t possibly win and turned from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde; I was just a jerkIn a foolish attempt to control the conversation and you I resorted to co-dependant and manipulative behavior. You have a voice and I want to hear it.  It even went as far as making you decide between friends and members of your family and me – now I understand why you said you felt like I was isolating you from them.  It was a terrible habit and one I have learned to break. No one should ever treat anyone this way. I was wrong.
  2. It had nothing to do with you. Anytime I made you feel like it was your fault or that I flat out blamed you – it wasn’t. Ever. The issues that I need to address within me are mine and not yours.  They weren’t created by you and they aren’t about you.  They are mine.  We really didn’t have marital problems; you just married a person with his own problems that he drug into the marriage.  Sometimes the battles we struggle with inside emerge in our behavior on the outside. I need grace.
  3. There was nothing you could do to fix it. You are trooper, a fighter and compassionate beyond this world.  For all the years that you hung in there because you believed in me, even though I failed you, I am eternally grateful. The painful fact that you had to do what you had to do to get me to see it for myself has been not just life changing it has emerged as soul saving to me and the many others that I have reached.  Thank you!
  4. You were all I ever needed and more. I know that my behavior had you feeling like you were never enough but you always were and more.  I was not only calloused but foolish to have never expressed that to you whether in my actions or just telling you.  Even worse, all of the times that I made comments, jokes, gestures or implications that anything, and I do mean a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, that you did was inadequate, not good enough or anything else was uncalled for and an immature way to pump up my own feeble ego to feel better.  This includes your driving, cleaning, cooking, your memory, mothering, as a wife, sex & more.  I regret beyond explanation my stupidity.
  5. I am in this for the long haul (and that means forever). I know that I have made a lot of mistakes.  I am sure at times you had your doubts about my commitment to you.  When I was angry or hurt or just being spoiled I would emotionally pull back from you.  I was wrong and I apologize.  Through the good times and not throwing in the towel but recommitting to be a better husband during the difficult times – I’m in this.  The wedding band on my finger will be the only one and will be there until the day I physically leave this world.  This has evolved beyond you, or you and me to who I am, and what kind of man I want to become.  I lay down my pride and pick up the cross that I am to bear – whatever that may be.  No more me.

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Thank you and God bless you on your journey.

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